Lost & Found
This evening after work I stopped over at a friend’s house to help her a bit with a bike. She recently acquired a bike but couldn’t figure out how to raise the seat and the handle bars to fit her more comfortably. I looked at the piece of rusted metal a week or so ago when she first brought it to my attention. It needed a special tool that I could picture in my head but not name. This one tool is all she needed to work with before she could pull her bike out in this warm weather.
Wearing a black blazer with my jeans I was stooping over the bike to take a good look at the size of the nut and bolt looking item that needed this special tool. Again, I knew what the tool looked like I just couldn’t name it.
Arriving at the super-store we walked around a few isles unable to find the tool section. We eventually stumbled into the ‘sports and outdoors’ section which meant we were not going the right direction but instead were standing near the fish tanks full of fish. I have a fear of fish tanks. I cannot walk down that particular isle in any store. I have a fear that at the exact moment I walk by the tanks the glass will shatter and all the water and fish will come my direction. I can’t stand to be near all that sparkling water in the event that all that glass will shatter. I am not afraid of water. I am afraid of fish.
After asking a nearby employee for the specific tool section my friend led the way until we stood among the Black and Decker filled shelves. As we scanned the various items I started realizing that I had no idea what I was looking for. I knew what this desired tool looked like; I had no idea where to begin looking for it. Frustrated I looked over to my friend and said, “I feel like I am losing my manhood in this isle. I should know more about all these tools and what we’re looking for.” Trying to hide her giggling she mumbled something back about my lack of manhood at that exact moment and how she could possibly forgive me.
As we handled several items and opened a few more we finally caved in and went to look at the bike section to find a similar looking piece to show an employee. We were obviously going nowhere in our current isle as I tried to teach myself something new while my friend only picked up tools that she liked the name of. She could care less about what each tool was for, she only liked the quirky names and which ones were the biggest. With her size mattered.
I didn’t want to show the male employee standing nearby that I didn’t know what tool I needed, and instead told my friend what she needed to say as I pulled out one bike to use as our example. I turned around just as the employee asked me directly what we were looking for and I realized I was stuck. Trying not to sound stupid I managed to get my question out as he turned around and grabbed the tool from the shelf behind him. While it wasn’t the exact tool I was looking for a few isles over it was one that would work perfectly. Eventually I learned it was a socket-wrench that we needed, or so I thought.
Shortly after arriving home we worked on her bike together trying to unscrew the handlebars first so that they could be raised. My friend tried but was unsuccessful even after she remembered lefty loosey, righty tighty. I gave it all my strength but was unable to loosen it at first but eventually noticed the screw starting to move slightly to the left the more I tried. I didn't want to mess up my good clothes and stood at an awkward position to not get any grease and rust on me. As I kept unscrewing the bike, old grease leaked out of the sockets forming a puddle on the garage floor. At this point my main concern became my clothes. Finally after quite some time had passed and the further we got along in trying to fix up her bike my friend stood up and said, “You got your manhood back.”
I believe that was my thanks for helping her get half the project complete. We eventually raised her seat, but we never figured out how to raise the handlebars, only loosen them. After we gave up I took it for a ride down her driveway and back up it only to get a rip in my jeans down around my ankle. My jean leg got caught on the water bottle holder. I think I was more upset about the damage done to my jeans than my lack of knowledge in the tool isle.
Wearing a black blazer with my jeans I was stooping over the bike to take a good look at the size of the nut and bolt looking item that needed this special tool. Again, I knew what the tool looked like I just couldn’t name it.
Arriving at the super-store we walked around a few isles unable to find the tool section. We eventually stumbled into the ‘sports and outdoors’ section which meant we were not going the right direction but instead were standing near the fish tanks full of fish. I have a fear of fish tanks. I cannot walk down that particular isle in any store. I have a fear that at the exact moment I walk by the tanks the glass will shatter and all the water and fish will come my direction. I can’t stand to be near all that sparkling water in the event that all that glass will shatter. I am not afraid of water. I am afraid of fish.
After asking a nearby employee for the specific tool section my friend led the way until we stood among the Black and Decker filled shelves. As we scanned the various items I started realizing that I had no idea what I was looking for. I knew what this desired tool looked like; I had no idea where to begin looking for it. Frustrated I looked over to my friend and said, “I feel like I am losing my manhood in this isle. I should know more about all these tools and what we’re looking for.” Trying to hide her giggling she mumbled something back about my lack of manhood at that exact moment and how she could possibly forgive me.
As we handled several items and opened a few more we finally caved in and went to look at the bike section to find a similar looking piece to show an employee. We were obviously going nowhere in our current isle as I tried to teach myself something new while my friend only picked up tools that she liked the name of. She could care less about what each tool was for, she only liked the quirky names and which ones were the biggest. With her size mattered.
I didn’t want to show the male employee standing nearby that I didn’t know what tool I needed, and instead told my friend what she needed to say as I pulled out one bike to use as our example. I turned around just as the employee asked me directly what we were looking for and I realized I was stuck. Trying not to sound stupid I managed to get my question out as he turned around and grabbed the tool from the shelf behind him. While it wasn’t the exact tool I was looking for a few isles over it was one that would work perfectly. Eventually I learned it was a socket-wrench that we needed, or so I thought.
Shortly after arriving home we worked on her bike together trying to unscrew the handlebars first so that they could be raised. My friend tried but was unsuccessful even after she remembered lefty loosey, righty tighty. I gave it all my strength but was unable to loosen it at first but eventually noticed the screw starting to move slightly to the left the more I tried. I didn't want to mess up my good clothes and stood at an awkward position to not get any grease and rust on me. As I kept unscrewing the bike, old grease leaked out of the sockets forming a puddle on the garage floor. At this point my main concern became my clothes. Finally after quite some time had passed and the further we got along in trying to fix up her bike my friend stood up and said, “You got your manhood back.”
I believe that was my thanks for helping her get half the project complete. We eventually raised her seat, but we never figured out how to raise the handlebars, only loosen them. After we gave up I took it for a ride down her driveway and back up it only to get a rip in my jeans down around my ankle. My jean leg got caught on the water bottle holder. I think I was more upset about the damage done to my jeans than my lack of knowledge in the tool isle.
posted by Mr. T at 10:22 PM
2 Comments:
Dear Son,
Well.....uhhhh.....I...(picture Dad trying to figure out what to say...)....if....maybe......(Dad shaking head now....throwing hands up into the air....)....remember when I.....well.....you know.....uh.....(Dad turning around, slowly walking away with bowed head....)
Love,
Dad
Enjoyed a lot! » »
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