Awake

I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept waking up and staring at the ceiling hoping that it was time to get up. I am not a morning person but I was ready to be out of bed bright and early this morning. I don’t know if anyone slipped something in my food last night but I was not my usual self this morning.

I went to the post office to mail a box, got my oil changed in the car and even stopped at my favorite bakery to pick up a muffin and juice. All this before I had to be in the office for work today.

I need my old self back. NOW.

Boots

I bought my first pair of cowboy boots.

Really they aren’t the first I guess. Just the first pair I’ve bought for myself. I can’t count the ones every elementary-aged boy has while playing in the dirt. My new boots are made of ostrich skin.

I don’t know what got into me but I decided one day I wanted some and so I bought a pair that afternoon. I walked into a few stores trying to find the best deal and did some bartering to bring the price down. I was successful and walked out with a shiny new pair a couple stores later.

I wore them for the first time last night. They are not stained dark and therefore make me look like I work on a ranch. No, in fact they make me look like a rock star. Except for one small thing….I’m not a rock star, but I feel like one. My friend who was tagging along when I bought them laughed at me the entire time. He couldn’t fathom why I would want a pair of boots but he shut up and let me walk out a few bucks poorer.

Last night my friend and I met a few other friends for sushi. I was excited to show the boots off and stir up a few laughs at my outrageous purchase. Walking into the sushi joint last night I asked the waitress if the Tatami Room table was available and it was. This is the table that sits low on the floor while you’re feet slide under into a crevice hidden under the table. It’s definitely not your typical restaurant table choice.

In order to sit at this particular table the hostess ask that all dinner patrons take off their shoes and leave them on the step so no dirt will be on the floor area where you sit. I begrudgingly took off my new boots and sat them there all alone. After settling into my seat my friend started laughing and said, “I think you chose this table on purpose because of your boots. You want this entire restaurant to see your stupid purchase and now they are out there on the step in full view for everyone to enjoy.”

It wasn’t my original plan but after thinking about it for a second I kind of liked it. It’s tough being a rock star.

Advice

I called up to my parents the other night to let them know all the thoughts going thru my head. This is my odd way of letting them know I solicit their advice without directly asking for it. I could ask for it, but I don’t know if they’ll give it freely. They would rather stand behind me and offer their guidance while I try to find the answers on my own.

Lately nothing feels right. Each decision I’m making doesn’t feel to be the right one. I don’t know what the right answer is, but each thing I’m questioning and the reasoning I come up with just isn’t right. I’m currently in a weird funk.

Last night I was at a friend’s house going over recent life events and she started offering her crazy advice up freely. I stopped her mid-sentence and asked her if she ever followed her own advice. She said no and made a face as if that was the stupidest question I could ever ask. Somehow it didn’t stop her from continuing to offering more advice. Funny advice it was but it didn’t really sink in.

I’m a why person. I was explaining this to another friend the other day when mulling in my own thoughts. I’m a why and not a how person. I question everything. I don’t just get out and not think things thru expecting that whatever happens will happen and it will be good. To some this might seem like a good quality, but it’s not always easy. It wears me out. I over-analyze everything and don’t always come to a conclusion that I’m happy with. There are times I want an answer quickly and I turn to someone for an answer, but it seems they are too afraid to give an answer.

It’s been said that you have to leave home before you can ask difficult questions. They are hard to ask in familiar places. You need to stand back and see things in a new way. I’m beginning to wonder what stepping from my familiarity is like. I think it’s something I need to heavily consider doing around here.

High In The Sky

I have a framed picture sitting on my office desk. It stands between two other framed pictures of various family members. In this middle frame is a picture of a young Japanese couple that I lived with for a month in Japan. They spoiled me rotten, something I’ll never forget. They live in a country steeped in traditions and opened their doors to show me their world amongst those traditions. It was one of the best times of my life.

A friend of mine who currently resides in Japan mentioned the Full Moon Harvest the other day. It’s a celebration in Japan of the full moon, which provides the rabbit in the moon. I had never heard of such a thing until I was in Japan one night seven years ago this month.

My host family took me to a neighboring town to enjoy a night out seeing some local places as I was preparing to leave their home and country later that week. We went to a local art museum, a pottery show, and upscale Tea Shoppe, and also did some gambling. They taught me to play Pachinko, a game that is a mix of slot machine and pin ball. I didn’t quite understand it all, but basically I put a quarter into a machine in hopes that it would land in the right spot so I could earn “credit.” My host parents played often and were quite good at this game. While there are your typical prizes you could exchange your credits for, there were also a few odd items. One particular item was laundry soap. This is what my host parents stocked up on that night. Seven bottles of it to be exact.

The night out was topped off with a great dinner of Japanese food from a hole-in-the-wall place we found in a back alley. It was some of the best food I had eaten the entire length of my stay there. After dinner as my host parents and I walked back to the town center my host father pointed out the rabbit in the moon. Having drunk quite a bit my host father was unable to walk straight but he enabled himself to stand still for a moment and teach me something small. Something I think of nearly every night if the moon is visible. Pointing to the sky that night I saw my first rabbit in the moon.

On a full moon night you can see this rabbit clearly. It's the same rabbit I've seen in five countries now. If you’re with me sometime I will show you. It’s not hard to find if you know what you’re looking for. It's kind of funny for me to think back on it. How one night seven years ago has stuck with me to this day. There hanging in the sky was this rabbit frozen in time. Much like my memories of Japan.

I'm ready to go back and see Japan again. I miss is daily.

Tie One On

Fall is here. I felt it last night as my doors stayed open to let the rain filled air enter my living room. Though the place chilled down quickly I only put on more clothes to stay warm. I want to enjoy this moment before winter arrives any day now. Last year around here we went from summer to winter in just a few short days. I’m hoping fall can find time to stop around here for a few days this year.

During the fall and winter months I succumb to wearing a white robe around my house. If you come ring my doorbell you will be warmly greeted by me in a robe. You may eyeball me up and down and think I’m crazy and not acting my age but I don’t care. I like my robe. It’s heavy, mid-length and feels as soft as a towel.

I remember my grandpa, my dad and my brother all owning one. My dad’s was blue and extremely long. He would stand over the floor vents to warm up on chilly winter mornings before he got ready for work. My brother’s was flannel and raggedy…something he wasn’t ready to throw away yet though the years were showing around the hems. If you entered our house on any given day you may think you were at a party at the Playboy Mansion with our robes on. But that wasn’t the case. We were just enjoying the male equivalent to the muumuu. I won’t go down the family line of all the ladies that have worn, and still do, muumuus.

My robe may look uncool. But on a cold Saturday morning I’m not worried about looking cool. It’s about hanging out, staying warm and getting comfortable. My weekend breakfast of fruit, oatmeal and orange juice taste much better with a robe on, I swear.

If you don't believe me, stop by Saturday morning. You can try mine on.

Too Much

My life is a bit scattered right now. There doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day for me to live my life.

I haven’t made my bed in two weeks. There’s a laundry pile in my bedroom along with one in my closet. I have clothes laying on my drawing table and a few more by my bed. My ‘sort thru’ pile is only increasing every day as I ignore it and push it aside. I have dry cleaning need to be dropped off along with bills to be paid and filed.

I need a personal assistant.

I asked a friend if he’d like to be my personal assistant. He’s in-between jobs right now. He instantly turned me down by saying I couldn’t afford him. I asked him what it took to be able to afford him. It involved a new Mercedes and a nice hourly wage. In fact the hourly wage is more than I make if I break my salary down into an hourly wage. I offered to heavily consider it if and only if he became my personal driver as well. I’d much rather sit in the back of a new Mercedes to get work done or rest my eyes than sit in my old car managing traffic from the drivers seat.

I’m almost at wits end to get everything done in a timely manner. I wonder if I set my house on fire if it will make it all go away. No bills piled up, no messed up bed and no dirty laundry.

I wonder if a personal assistant comes with fire insurance. I’ll have to read the fine print on my insurance policy when I get home this evening.

Three Words

He’s professed his love to every single girl he dated. He says there are no rules when it comes to love. No rules to saying the three famous words….I love you. You know when the timing is right according to him.

I can’t say them and I won’t say them…these three words. He says them just as easily as it is for me to sneeze in the morning after sleeping thru the dark night with my window open.

There are rules in my thick book but none in his. I could probably sit him down and graciously point out every rule there is in the book of love, but he doesn’t care to see the obvious. He is the example of love being blind.

I asked him what his rules are this evening and that’s when he stated there are no rules. “It’s never too early and it’s never too late to express your love. But once it’s over you should never go back. It’s all a beautiful frustration,” he said. “If I did have to create a rule book the first rule would be to love yourself.”

Rules are made to be broken in my book. I often break them. I’m not a fan of rules but they are a part of daily life. They determine the time I wake up, the way I earn a small paycheck, the way I drive down a narrow street, and the way I treat my neighbors.

Breaking rules is what makes us feel alive. Human beings need a lot of things to feel alive, including love, but ultimately it comes down to having a heartbeat. When our hearts are threatened we either run or attack.

Love is essentially an abstract concept, easier to experience than explain. I don’t think most women want to hear a guy explain that love is ultimately a feeling of having your soul sucked down into a vortex. Before we know it we have to give up our chance of watching the basketball game on TV because this love has caused an interference with the simple things in a guy’s life. So we stick to using the abstract concept….feel our love and don’t have me explain it.

I realized all this as I sat and listened to him banter back and forth on his rules of love. He sat there laughing at some good memories and shaking his head at the bad ones. I sat there laughing at him for having shared his love with so many girls. So much love was given yet none of it worked out in the end.

Lucky for me he’s staying around town for a bit longer. I’m going to teach him to be a runner next time his heart is threatened. I’ll teach him how to read time correctly so when the next girl walks into his life he’ll eat some Rolaids instead of thinking it was his heart that skipped a beat.

Instead he’ll now know that was his heart beating. It's whats needed to tell him he’s alive and to keep on walking.

Saddle Up!

I’m back in the saddle again trotting along. I used to feel that I was on the edge of something big. And I was. I was on the edge of a big let down.

I just found out last week. Now I’m sulking. I’m allowed to right? I’ve noticed that when I sulk I let down my guard and let someone take care of me. Normally I don’t let this happen. I am an independent person. I don’t let you break me down. However this time I’m noticing that I’m looking for someone to do my laundry and to cook me some meals. I’m not hungry for anything but I’ve eaten food everyday of my life that it feels weird to skip a meal. It’s not natural.

I recently read a comment that said we come into this world alone and leave it alone. At first I agreed. But the more I think about it the more I don’t agree with it. I don’t know anyone who comes and leaves alone. We come into a family, and then we leave with a family of friends and more.

A recent acquaintance told me that no distance in miles is too long between friends. He found it odd that we drop whatever we’re doing and make time for a funeral, but always put off making time for our friends when their alive. I need to view life like this. I need to not be afraid of what lies ahead and instead attack it at full force. I need to be a risk taker.

This thought may sit with me for the next bit of time. It’s time for me to make some changes. I had a great summer full of life and friends. But now things have settled down and it’s feeling a bit lonely.

I’m back in the saddle again. Welcome back to A Conversation With Myself.